11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
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