that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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