i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
