Potential corruption. He's 19.
Get them while they're young!
Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
yeah, we don't understand. the wings losing for guys is like girls finding objects in their body..just weird and sad
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
