I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
