My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
It's Friday. Sex?
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Randomize
