My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
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