if you like me you must not know who I am
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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