Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
Operation Purity has been aborted
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
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