Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
