Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
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