You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Randomize
