At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
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