You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Randomize
