i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
Randomize
