you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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