you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
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