I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
