You smell like a Billy Joel song
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
my poor anus
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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