Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Randomize
