Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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