Seriously, I'd take them all over any of the milfs here...and you know how much that means coming from me
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Randomize
