You smell like a Billy Joel song
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
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