I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
