i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
