Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
where are my eyebrows?
Randomize
