apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
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