Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
Randomize
