i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
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