i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
How's work?
Spinning.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
