You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Randomize
