maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
