Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
