Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
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