dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
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