he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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