Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
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