I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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