I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Randomize
