I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
