Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
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