dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Randomize
