No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
