Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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