Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize
