Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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