i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Randomize
