Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
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