i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Randomize
