my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Randomize
