you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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