you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
