Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
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Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
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Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
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