I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
