We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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