New invention idea: vibrating tampons
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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