Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
